How Did You Sleep, Dear

My wife, Mo, will not ask this question again.

 

I don’t know why her simple, ordinary question struck me the way it did that particular morning.  It was asked in the way that we usually greet each other upon our awakening — before we shake out the cobwebs that snare and entrap more intelligent conversation, preventing it from greetin the new day.  Maybe I’d had a dream, another of those that disappear without a trace upon awakening; maybe I’d had a wonderful, restful sleep and, miraculously felt alive and adventurous at the moment.  Whatever the reason, I proceeded to fully, to the best of my ability, answer her question, given my age, physical condition and temperament.

 

“Well,” I began, “as usual before we fall asleep, I turned to you (on my right side, as you occupy the left side of the bed), and we spooned awhile”.  (We both fell asleep ,you before me).  “Before long, I awakened to a right arm that had fallen asleep and was causing the usual  pain, so I rotated counterclockwise onto my back, which is, as you know, my go-to sleep position.  There I slept soundly for however long only you can tell me, because, in this position I usually begin my snoring, which  awakens you, and which, you say, can sometimes literally rattle the windows.”  (She will not take the trouble to record this alleged racket for me to hear, so I cannot, and will not, confirm this to be true.)

Returning to her early-morning question I continue,”Being awakened by snoring, mine or yours I do not know, I continued my counter-clockwise rotation onto my left side.”  Now, due to my deviated septum, before long I have difficulty breathing.  As, I am sure you know, the body has developed an astounding ability to keep itself from suffocating: when lying on one’s left side the right, uppermost, nostril opens; when lying on the right side, the left, uppermost, nostril opens up.   (I have read that periodically, even when standing erect and proceeding with our day-to-day activities, our nostrils open and close, one then the other, continually.  If both nostrils were to be open simultaneously, my reading continued, we would die.  I have been aware of such nostril oscillations  since reading that and have scrupulously made every effort to prevent both my nostrils from being open at once, even if it meant putting a ball of toilet paper up one side.)  In any event, I have, over the years, developed a method to open up my right nostril, the one which should be open, when lying on my left side:  I place my right thumb on the right side of my nose and apply a slight downward pressure, my fingers comfortably splayed over my forehead.  My right nostril immediately opens and remains open until I remove my thumb pressure, which usually happens after I fall asleep, typically within an hour or two.

“Then,” I told my darling wife, “I returned to my original position on my right side, once again spooning with you.”  (I had, at that time rotated a full 180 degrees, instead of my previous 90 degrees counter-clockwise, bypassing the lying on my stomach, which would be the next logical progression of the rotational cycle.  I generally reserve the face-down position for those times when I am having difficulty falling asleep — it is truly amazing how effective this position is.  Unfortunately, after about 45 minutes, my arms, which are, by necessity, folded under me, fall asleep and awaken me.  This is, fortuitously, an great advantage when I want to take a 45 minute nap.

“After a number of these cycles I awoke, however coherently, to your query.”

“And, how did you sleep, Darling?”